What should be the goal?

During the COVID-19 lockdown, our house maid was unable to come to our house. We were forced to do all the household chores ourselves. For anyone who is unfamiliar with Indian society, it is quite common for middle- and upper-middle-class households to employ domestic help. Since we had to do everything ourselves, my sister and I were assigned duties. One of them was sweeping the entire house. We took turns doing it. If I did it today, my sister would do it tomorrow. That was the rule we had established between us. One day, however, it was my sister’s turn to sweep the house, but she wasn’t ready on time. My mother asked me, “Why haven’t you swept the house yet?” I replied, “Why should I do it? It’s her turn today.” My mother simply picked up the broom and started sweeping herself. This eventually led to a fight between my sister and me, and my mother scolded both of us.

Do you see the contrast between what my sister and I were doing and what my mother did? Our goal was to complete the duties assigned to us and not do anything beyond that. My mother’s goal, on the other hand, was to clean the house. Who did it was irrelevant to her. This example might seem trivial, but I think the contrast here illustrates something that shapes many of our relationships. The implications of the two mindsets can be profound, and in some cases, even life-changing.

This might sound like an exaggeration, but think about it. You might have seen some new parents having arguments like these: “I changed the diaper yesterday. Today it’s your turn!” or “Why should I be the one to bathe the baby every time? He’s your child too!” or something similar. Or consider couples who say things like, “I paid the bill last time. Why should I use my salary to pay bills always?” or “Why should I take care of your parents. Your mother just keeps poking her nose in my personal affairs.” Of course, there may be perfectly legitimate reasons behind each of these statements. But sometimes, the focus of these arguments shifts away from the underlying responsibility and towards keeping score. Instead of asking what the child, family or relationship needs, the people involved start worrying about how much they themselves are contributing compared to the other person. The relationship becomes a negotiation over individual interests rather than an effort to address a shared need.

Let’s take another example. A friend of mine lives in Hyderabad and wanted to move out of his rented apartment. His old apartment was in a gated society and everything was managed through an app. There was a rule because of which the packers and movers’ vehicle was not allowed inside the building premises. A lot of stuff had to be carried to the new house and it was very difficult to bring all of that from his house to outside the main gate of the society. He lived in the society for many years and the watchman had known him since a long time. He was never known for causing any trouble in the society and he was on good terms with everyone. But just to bring the vehicle inside the society, he had to wait for permission from different people and it took him around 2 to 3 hours just to get out of his society premises. He told the watchman, “You’ve known me for years, I’ve never caused any trouble in the society, why would you not let me bring the vehicle in the premises? You know that the reason is genuine!”, to which the watchman replied, “I can’t do anything, you will have to get permission, those are the rules, I can’t allow you because that might cost me my job.”. The goal here should’ve been to help my friend move out easily because he is trustworthy and the watchman knew it, but the watchman was forced to prioritize his self-interest.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Protecting our own interests isn’t always bad. In fact, there are situations where it is extremely important. A good example is toxic workplaces. If an employee does not protect their self-interest in such a place, they will end up working 14-16 hours a day and still not be appreciated or compensated for it. Toxic bosses would take advantage of such an employee who prioritizes the project or the company over their own well-being in such workplaces. The same applies to personal relationships. If an alcoholic or gambler spouse blows away all the money they get in alcohol or gambling, the other spouse needs to protect their self-interest in order to save their future and that of their children.

As defined by psychologists Margaret Clark and Judson Mills, the mindset of people in a relationship where the goal is to complete the project/assignment rather than protecting individual interests is called “communal relationship”. When the goal is protecting self-interest and the relationship is transactional, it is called “exchange relationship”. Although strictly speaking, these definitions are not exactly as they were defined in the original work, I think these serve our purpose here. I think understanding this distinction matters a lot, because applying the wrong mindset to a relationship can cost you anything from mild annoyance to catastrophe.

So how do we know which mindset to apply to which relationship? I don’t think this is something that can be generalized as even within the same relationship, situations differ, and the right mindset can shift accordingly. But if we were to make a rough generalization, it is trust in the relationship that defines what our mindset should be. If we believe that the other person will take advantage of us for not protecting our self-interest, we should adopt the exchange relationship mindset. On the other hand, if we trust that the other person has our best interests at heart and will not take advantage of us for not protecting our self-interests, we should adopt the communal relationship mindset.

In my opinion, our society at large seems to be moving away from communal relationships and towards exchange relationships. Which, at least for me, is a worrying sign. The hyper-individualist culture seems to have eroded the simplicity of just trusting the other person and not keeping score. So for the people who are close to us, for the people whom we trust, let’s try to adopt the mindset of “equal commitment, not equal contribution”.

Hope you liked this one! See you next time.